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[Private] So I have a job. Working for a loud Gryffindor in a bar, Derek thinks I'm mad. I might actually be mad, but there's no definitive way to tell right now because I'm a moody teenager prone to spontaneous action. That last part is a lie, but I like to think I could be. Or make people think I was. I do feel out of sorts, and not of the terrible sorts of late, just. I don't feel like I fit in, I'm too stuffy and prudish for the rest of them, but I'm not good enough for the Slytherins. Doesn't help that I practically betrayed Charis.
Andrew managed to get back a journal from the Death Eaters. I would really like Hortense's back, I don't really want to do anything but hide it away. I don't want to read her inner thoughts about Grayson or wards from other people. I just want to rip those impostor pages out and move on. I don't think I can move on until that's taken care of. It just feels like a blast to the chest every time I see her name on the page and it's not her writing and not her. She's gone and it's just. Gone.
Charis doesn't help. Gus is most likely right on this, but he's still hanging about Blythe and Charis. I don't know why, they're the ones with Death Eater parents but his mother wants him to have different friends? His loyalties confuse me. If they are loyalties, really. Friendship for sure, I haven't been around the group long enough
Derek is talking about getting me a pet, but I don't want to take care of something else. There were noises about a dog but I don't think so. Also about letting me get my own flat now that I have a job and the tutoring, but I'm not interested. I don't want to move out. I don't mind living with my mother and having Derek drop by. Maybe next year or before. This isn't a gap year, I'm not goofing off and such. I've got my potions set up but still haven't touched and have acquired Derek's N.E.W.T. books. I'm going to sit my exams on time.
I didn't really like getting arrested. It was cool and all, with the rush, but for what? No reason but some swotty food fight. I just don't see the point of getting arrested. I don't see the point of arresting young adults, anyway either. Or putting them through a war tribunal. I was worried, in the beginning, about the possibility of them going to Azkaban, but they seem to have dealt with the more serious members with minimal punishment (it may not seem to them to be minimal but compared to a prison stay, it is) so I am not worried about some of the others. I will still testify for those that I can support.
I wanted to say more against Blythe, but I think talking about how small minded and clinging to poor tradition - I may have gone off a little talking about good versus bad tradition but they got me back - she was and how she was the main instigator in the troubles in Diagon Alley during the peaceful protests. Maybe I should have said more how sorry I was that her father was dead and maybe that's why she was acting out, but my father's dead and I'm not acting out like that. She's really the worst of the lot in terms of mentality. Charis and Gus are just sort of hanger-ons. Possibly.
I want to help Hermione and Goldstein with the petition but my head hurts right now, maybe I'll come up with some ideas later.
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Is this my fault?